Take a moment to pause and try this exercise. Close your eyes and think back to a time when something exciting was about to happen for you. Maybe it was a new job you were about to start, or a big competition that you were about to compete in, or a talk you were about to present. Nerves are humming, adrenaline coursing through you, heart racing.
Think back to what was going through your mind at that moment. Not the filtered version, but the automatic thoughts lurking in the background, or perhaps playing on repeat at max volume.
“What if they don’t like you?” or “What if you let everyone down?” or “Look at them. They know what they’re doing, unlike you.”
If you’ve heard this voice before, you are not alone. It’s normal. We are wired for negative thinking, for comparison. Looking for what is wrong and assessing the level of threat around us is built into our DNA as a way to help us survive, evolve and grow. The problem is, our normal everyday experiences and even our sport experiences are not typically life-threatening situations. And this type of negative thinking and constant self-comparison can limit our success and diminish our well-being.
Don’t feed the trolls.
People who post negative comments on someone’s social media are called trolls or keyboard warriors. How often have you found yourself trolling your own inner feed, looking for an opportunity to remind yourself that you are not good enough to succeed?
PAUSE again and notice how it makes you feel when you talk to yourself this way. Notice how it feels in your body. Perhaps you feel deflated, lethargic or tense and anxious. Then notice what primary emotion accompanies this feeling. Do you feel sad, angry, anxious? Just sit with the physical and emotional experience that you have identified without judging it or trying to fix it.
This might seem strange at first, because our initial response when we have negative thoughts is to want to get rid of them. Read on for a different approach to managing difficult thoughts and emotions.
Thoughts as messengers.
When I work with clients who are struggling with negative thoughts, they often share their attempts to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. One athlete shared her frustrating attempts to control her thoughts, saying, “Every time I miss a point, the thoughts start up. The more I try to make them go away, the more they come back. I’ve got a whole negative thought playlist.”
Trying to control unpleasant thoughts and emotions is like trying to hold a ball underwater (thanks to Dr. Alan Chiu, CMPC, for reminding me of this apt metaphor!). The more we push it down, the more difficult it becomes until it eventually comes exploding up through the water. Likewise, those thoughts keep popping back up again and again.
Our emotions, sensations and even our automatic thoughts are there for a reason, and each is an important message to us that is calling us to listen. When we try to paste over the uncomfortable emotions with more pleasant ones (“Just be happy!”), it can leave us feeling inauthentic. The happy emotion that we would prefer just doesn’t feel real. This can leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves, and over time can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression.
Be curious with RULER.
Instead of trying to control the thoughts, be curious as to what is happening that is triggering these thoughts. The more you can grow your self-awareness and understanding about how you respond to stress, the more you can do to influence the eventual outcome and enhance your well-being.
Try these steps to turning your Inner Critic into an Inner Superfan.
- Recognize. What kind of situations trigger negative thoughts? Are you about to do something important? When we are doing something that is important to us, it is natural to feel nervous. Remind yourself that these feelings are the way your body gets ready for doing its best.
- Understand. What is the underlying message that these thoughts represent? Perhaps you hear tones of “You are not good enough.” This message comes in an assortment of colors, and underlies most negative thoughts.
- Label it. Accurately label what you are feeling. Rather than simply saying, “I am stressed,” try getting more specific, like “I am feeling scared, disappointed, frustrated, excited.” Calling out the thought and accompanying emotion can go a long way to deflating its power.
- Encourage and Empower. First, imagine how you would offer support to someone in your shoes and then encourage yourself in the same way. To strengthen this step, add empowering words to lift you up and motivate you to action. Think of words that make you feel alive and powerful and use them in your self-talk. Notice how your posture changes when you use powerful language.
- Refocus. When we are caught up in negative thoughts, our focus tends to narrow and we may lose sight of our bigger goals. Ask yourself what is most important to you in this situation. What is one thing you could do right now that would move you in that direction. Keep it direct, simple and tangible. Rather than “Do my best”, for instance, you might say “Encourage my teammates.” or “Eat a solid breakfast.”
Perfection stands in the way of progress.
Let’s face it. It doesn’t feel good to be trolled. Perhaps you have been battling this inner troll for a long time, and it is well-established. The life of a high-performer is filled with uncertainty, ups and downs, wins and losses, and that means a lot of opportunity for the negative thinking to surface.
Rather than trying to be perfect, we can commit to progress. Curiosity is an important part of that progress. It allows us to be open to new experiences and to look for learning and growth in each situation. If you would like to learn how to tame your inner critic through mindfulness and curiosity, let’s work together! Reach out to me for a free consultation.
